tell me

I work with a girl who's been pregnant 9 times, NINE TIMES and has zero children here with her. Tell me how that's right. Tell me what to say to her. She managed to give birth to a live child just over 3 weeks ago and a week ago he died, tell me why. Now every time I look at Abbie my heart just breaks for her. Someone called to tell me he'd passed in the middle of one of Abbie's FAMOUS FITS. She's willful, stubborn and has more energy than anything I've ever seen when she's throwing one, and quite often in the midst of one just when I want to give up and am wondering what in the hell was I thinking something happens to remind me just how lucky we really are. Last Saturday it was Elaine calling to tell me that my co worker had lost the baby she'd been hoping and praying for so long. How dare I be frustrated with my perfectly healthy 3 year old, the screaming coming from her mouth proving that she's COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY HEALTHY. How selfish I felt wishing for a more easy going child, one who just went along with things. You know the kind you think everyone else has. I have friends who's kids always "seem" perfect, cousins with children I've never seen throw a fit and I always feel like such a failure of a mom around them. I'm done feeling that way. I do my best with Abbie and that's just all there is. I need to stop worrying so much about the crazy things she does, or the times she's screaming or not sleeping or insisting to have things her way, and be happy and thankful for those times, knowing that there are children who can't, parents who can't hear their kids scream or laugh or fight or anything because they are gone or sick or something.

All the blogs are talking about resolutions for new years, losing weight, being better with money, keeping houses clean, desks organized and lawns cut, well those are all wonderful resolutions and I've got a couple like that, but I think the most important resolution I'll make is to appreciate what I actually have, to see it, REALLY SEE IT, and not to focus so much on what I'm missing, don't have, can't do, can't be, forgot to do, will never have time for, things that never really mattered anyway.

Today I'm thankful I woke up next to Abbie in a warm bed and the first thing she did was to giggle and grin at me.
I'm thankful that I was here to hear her say just before she fell asleep last night "Mommy it's so nice to snuggle in the bed"
I'm thankful that although my husband is gone sleeping in a hotel with maid service, eating at restaurants and having fun, he'll be glad to come home on Sunday.
I'm thankful that although my family is crazy and has days I'd rather be away, that I know they are always right there, when I know I need them and even when I didn't know.
I am thankful for my friend Elaine, who always reminds me no matter where I've been I can head anywhere I want to.